Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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