im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
