oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
