I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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