I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize