I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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