my mouth tastes like poor choices
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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