i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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