hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
