yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize