god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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