He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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