I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
