So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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