god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Two words: nipple clamps
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