True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
