R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
did i walk over a car last night?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
