Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize