He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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