I seem to have left my pride at pride
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
