dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
