If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
