I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
