I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
