you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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