best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
