You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
