apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
