Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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