i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize