I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
