He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
