my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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