apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
