When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
