This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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