I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
