I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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