Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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