have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
