My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He shit in the fireplace
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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