Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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