You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
