I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
