All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
