Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize