Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
