Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
