Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
