handjob tips. give me some.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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