The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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