you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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