Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
