I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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