Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
