if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
