So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
