im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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