Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize