shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
